Since I learned last night at my blogging class that my blog is really for me I have decided to present my total self and feelings rather than to be politically correct by pretending I have no personal life. If someone else wants to read my “real” feelings, they will be here for perusing by those brave enough to read my “ranting”. If someone is offended by what I write, I am truly sorry, but my feelings are my feelings-right or wrong.
Since the end of school I have been struggling to understand why my marriage to Don fell apart. I had no clue it was even in trouble. I will never forget the exact moment that I found out. It is etched in my mind in every detail. In my wildest nightmare, I never envisioned my sweetheart leaving me for someone who I felt truly close to-as close to me as a sister-I thought. I have since realized that the power of Satan is more powerful than I ever knew it could be.
When I think about the first week or so after Don left, I am mortified that I could have been fooled so easily by two people I loved. Their acting skills should have gained them an Academy Award! Up until a month or so ago, I felt deep in my heart that Don just needed time to realize that our situation was not as bad as the situation he is in now.
However, the Don I knew has apparently disappeared. I don’t understand who the person living in Florida is now. It is as though he has a split personality. I don’t understand how a person who loved the Church and has such a testimony of the truth can settle for less than what he could have or be. My only answer is that Satan knew he had the potential to do a lot of good with his priesthood and membership in the Church and so Satan used Don’s weaknesses to draw him away from me and the Church. Since his aborted heart surgery, I had already seen evidences of Don’s personality changing. I saw him sinking into a depression and he was more short- tempered than normal. Looking back now, perhaps it was because he was already into his relationship with Sharon. I realize that I can be difficult to deal with at times. However, there is nothing I was involved in that should have led to the destruction of my marriage.
I am so hurt that my efforts to increase our income and to clear my calendar of obligations to my job during the summer apparently destroyed my marriage. Don and I had talked about how excited we were because I would finally have a break from continuous school “stuff.” Don’s reasons for leaving me seem bogus when compared to the situation he is in now because those reasons are magnified in Sharon’s world. She teaching the same grade I do, she is now teaching the same subject I do, and she is working on a double major (why?) in graduate school. (You only get a pay raise for one master’s degree!) She has four highly dysfunctional children! WHY IS HE STILL THERE?????
There is no way I can even fight for my marriage. I know that “in the eternities” things will work out as they should. However, at the moment, I seem to be the only one who is hurting and heartbroken. Don and Sharon have become a couple without any problems. I just “handed” him over to her. I feel as though I was in a contest and didn’t even know it.
As busy as my days are these days and no matter how much I love my job, when I get home, it is so very hard to remain upbeat or happy without anyone to share my day with. Don’t get me wrong-I do love the peace and quiet of my home, but it is filled to the rafters with loneliness. Even if I get out and socialize, I still have to come home sometime to an empty house.
I am proud of my hard work on getting myself into shape physically and mentally, but who besides me really cares! I have no one to dress up for, to look good for or to make me feel special only to them. It seems I have spent my whole life looking for that. When I thought I had found the “special someone” , I never dreamed that it would not last.
I continue to pray for understanding and for help and guidance so I can avoid being destroyed by this greatest trial in my life. At least with Tom, I knew he died loving me with all his heart and I was able to deal with his loss because I had some sort of closure. I am not sure that this situation will ever have closure…
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3 comments:
I have always admired how you pick yourself up and find a new way. I don't know that I could in similar situations. I stand in awe of all you have accomplished. You are not the loser in this story.
I would not say I have picked myself up yet...my heart is still dragging the ground!! You know the saying " you lost the battle, but not the war?" I feel as though I lost the war and didn't even know there was a battle going on...!!
Big sister comment...You most likely will never get the answers to your questions, but don't dwell on the "why's" and "what ifs". Though I love Joe with all of my heart (and it was him that brought feelings of love back into my heart), I still have many unanswered questions from my marriage with Les. I will never, ever know why my 23 year marriage broke up. I will never, ever know why he thought it was okay to go be with another woman. I will never, ever know when he made the decision that he couldn't be with me anymore. I do believe that he really did love me (not only because he told me so many, many times), but for whatever reason, he never felt he could come back home to me. All this being said, I learned that you can't force someone to love you no matter how much you love them. Though our hearts ache and the loneliness is defeafening at times, it is also a time for us to bring a newness in our lives. It will be hard, but you do have family who loves you and supports you. Just keep your sense of humor - the real geniune kind and it'll take you a long, long way. You'll do great - you are stronger than you think.
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