Thursday, April 23, 2009
Whew...they're over !!
Well another year of mindless Standardized testing is over. Once again the students were told that Science and Social Studies tests would not count. Also in the newspaper today, there was an article about the Governor's request for an increase in salary for math and science teachers. At this rate, there will be no one to tell the history of this country to anyone because no one will know enough to pass it on to another generation ! That just burns my bootie !!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Life has been pretty upbeat since my last posting. I slept really well after my decision to move on with my life. I have felt renewed in purpose, in spirit, and in my life in general CRCT testing has been going along fairly smooth...Surprise...Surprise! My students have actually been fairly focused and they were so quiet I actually got a lot of work done! How cool was that!
This morning I went to Valdosta for a meeting about the Writing Seminar I am taking this summer. I really had a great time and came away from that meeting excited and looking forward to June. I like the fact I am the only Social Studies teacher class because it will keep me challenged and on my toes. Getting 6 grad school credit hours in 4 weeks time instead of 15 weeks is also exciting!
This morning I went to Valdosta for a meeting about the Writing Seminar I am taking this summer. I really had a great time and came away from that meeting excited and looking forward to June. I like the fact I am the only Social Studies teacher class because it will keep me challenged and on my toes. Getting 6 grad school credit hours in 4 weeks time instead of 15 weeks is also exciting!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Exorcising my demons...
My most recent life lesson....Doubt and Indecision are truly the tools of the devil. Being in limbo is a state that I don't want to be in any more in my personal life... Therefore, after several days and numerous hours spent in prayer and a wonderful counseling and consoling visit to my bishop, I have decided that today is the day that I chose to have closure in the recent painful chapter of my life. I was not able to have a choice in the beginning of that chapter. However, I can chose to bring about an end to the time of my life I have known as "Don and Me..." I have cut the final tenous thread that allowed me to hang on. My love for Don has not changed.. It is now relegated to a separate chamber of my heart. I will allow no more personal "picking at the scab on my heart." It is time to leave it alone and let it become a scar. He knows where to find me. I will not torture myself any longer with thoughts of his present life. I will remember my time with him with fondness.
I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. However, there are parts of me that are pretty darn good and special. If no one choses to see that in me-that is their problem--not mine. I cannot fix the problems of those I love. I can only continue to work on me...one day at a time...
I pray that the valleys of my life will be shallow from here on. I want to reach high, to challenge myself, to continue to work on stepping outside my comfort zone.
I am blessed beyond measure with two loving, supportive children. I have better health now that I can remember in a long time. I have a job I love. My days are not boring. I can still see, hold and talk to my parents. I have a wild and crazy family with many strange and unusual fruits and nuts on the family tree!
I am needed by many in my little part of the world. Maybe one day, at long last, I will be granted the desires of my heart. I have had a vision of heaven on earth, but that was a fleeting vision. I will trust in the Lord with my own heart and lean not unto mine own understanding...
I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. However, there are parts of me that are pretty darn good and special. If no one choses to see that in me-that is their problem--not mine. I cannot fix the problems of those I love. I can only continue to work on me...one day at a time...
I pray that the valleys of my life will be shallow from here on. I want to reach high, to challenge myself, to continue to work on stepping outside my comfort zone.
I am blessed beyond measure with two loving, supportive children. I have better health now that I can remember in a long time. I have a job I love. My days are not boring. I can still see, hold and talk to my parents. I have a wild and crazy family with many strange and unusual fruits and nuts on the family tree!
I am needed by many in my little part of the world. Maybe one day, at long last, I will be granted the desires of my heart. I have had a vision of heaven on earth, but that was a fleeting vision. I will trust in the Lord with my own heart and lean not unto mine own understanding...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Reflections on a pre-Easter day
Warning...read this at your own risk...there is some real honesty in the blog below...
This morning I woke up rather early. It wasn't because I wanted to. I just did. I have been consumed in the past week with thoughts about my life at this time last year. This was the day that Don and I had found the house in town we both were excited to move into. We moved in on Friday,the 18th. I took Don to the emergency room on Sunday, the 20th and then followed the ambulance over to Albany on the 21st. His surgery was done on the 23rd. My life changed drastically after that.
The thoughts that have consumed me recently have been ones of helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, heartbreak and confusion. I appear to be functioning well during the hours I am on my job, but long breaks with hours and hours by myself cause me to reflect. Don't get me wrong...I have not been totally alone. I have had visits from both the Sisters and the Elders. They are my ministering angels these days. I don't have visiting teachers or home teachers and haven't had in at least a year, so the missionaries help feel that need for companionship and priesthood.
I was thinking while I sat outside working on my online school stuff about the Savior and this time of His life. While I can never presume to say, "I know how He felt" , I think I can sense just a morsel of his feelings. He was betrayed by someone he loved. I loved Sharon and would have done anything to help support her in her role as a single mother. I just never knew how she would use that friendship as a way into my life with my beloved husband. Don is not totally blameless, but he was also very vulnerable physically. I have found throughout this year that when I don't feel well physically, it is easy for me to get depressed and feel worthless. Sharon took advantage of my trust in her and that resulted in her betrayal. When I confronted her, she shrugged her shoulders and said "Whatever."
My elder brother took his beloved disciples with Him to the Garden. While he suffered pain, grief and loneliness, these beloved friends of His slept. When I think about how much I love Don, I understand unconditional love. I know many people will say I am crazy to still love Don, but there is no way for me to describe the depth of feelings I have for him or the joy I felt as his wife. So, I cry in silent or suffer loneliness every night now. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I sob uncontrollably. Do I want anyone I love to feel as I do now? Never! Can I understand how much my Savior loved me to take on my pain and suffering? Yes? Can I understand how badly he wants sinners like my Don to find his way back to Him? That is also my heart's desire-for better or worse. I have now lost, in a moment's notice, two men I dearly loved. I have a different outlook on this mortal life as a result of the lessons I learned after Tom's death. I guess that is why I feel such sorrow knowing that Don has not learned those lessons and I cannot help him through the painful way back unless he calls on me. Realistically, I know the possibility is slim that that will every happen. Eternally, I live in hope that it will. if I give up hope for a better life with the one I love, what will I have left? There is no faith without hope, is there? I refuse to give up on my unconditional love I have for Don even if I am the only one who every acknowledges it. My Savior has not given up on me- why? Because He loves me unconditionally-in spite of my faults. Can I do less than He? If I give up in my love for Don, he will be in a world without love. Sharon is not capable of understanding true love because she has never had it in her life. Don has never said he loves her. He has said he is committed to her. They have a relationship that will not last throughout the eternities because it was begun in sin and still resides there.
I am grateful for my Savior and for His willingness to go through pain and suffering for me. I would do anything I needed to for those people I love-even die for them or take their pain and suffering. I would take my parent's physical sufferings on me in a heartbeat if I could. I would stay the rest of my life alone and without companionship in order to have the Lord bless my children with mates who will love them as deeply as I love them. I cannot take upon me the sins of Don, but I can continue to pray that one day he remembers how he felt when the Spirit touched him and that the Lord will eventually lead him back to peace.
This morning I woke up rather early. It wasn't because I wanted to. I just did. I have been consumed in the past week with thoughts about my life at this time last year. This was the day that Don and I had found the house in town we both were excited to move into. We moved in on Friday,the 18th. I took Don to the emergency room on Sunday, the 20th and then followed the ambulance over to Albany on the 21st. His surgery was done on the 23rd. My life changed drastically after that.
The thoughts that have consumed me recently have been ones of helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, heartbreak and confusion. I appear to be functioning well during the hours I am on my job, but long breaks with hours and hours by myself cause me to reflect. Don't get me wrong...I have not been totally alone. I have had visits from both the Sisters and the Elders. They are my ministering angels these days. I don't have visiting teachers or home teachers and haven't had in at least a year, so the missionaries help feel that need for companionship and priesthood.
I was thinking while I sat outside working on my online school stuff about the Savior and this time of His life. While I can never presume to say, "I know how He felt" , I think I can sense just a morsel of his feelings. He was betrayed by someone he loved. I loved Sharon and would have done anything to help support her in her role as a single mother. I just never knew how she would use that friendship as a way into my life with my beloved husband. Don is not totally blameless, but he was also very vulnerable physically. I have found throughout this year that when I don't feel well physically, it is easy for me to get depressed and feel worthless. Sharon took advantage of my trust in her and that resulted in her betrayal. When I confronted her, she shrugged her shoulders and said "Whatever."
My elder brother took his beloved disciples with Him to the Garden. While he suffered pain, grief and loneliness, these beloved friends of His slept. When I think about how much I love Don, I understand unconditional love. I know many people will say I am crazy to still love Don, but there is no way for me to describe the depth of feelings I have for him or the joy I felt as his wife. So, I cry in silent or suffer loneliness every night now. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I sob uncontrollably. Do I want anyone I love to feel as I do now? Never! Can I understand how much my Savior loved me to take on my pain and suffering? Yes? Can I understand how badly he wants sinners like my Don to find his way back to Him? That is also my heart's desire-for better or worse. I have now lost, in a moment's notice, two men I dearly loved. I have a different outlook on this mortal life as a result of the lessons I learned after Tom's death. I guess that is why I feel such sorrow knowing that Don has not learned those lessons and I cannot help him through the painful way back unless he calls on me. Realistically, I know the possibility is slim that that will every happen. Eternally, I live in hope that it will. if I give up hope for a better life with the one I love, what will I have left? There is no faith without hope, is there? I refuse to give up on my unconditional love I have for Don even if I am the only one who every acknowledges it. My Savior has not given up on me- why? Because He loves me unconditionally-in spite of my faults. Can I do less than He? If I give up in my love for Don, he will be in a world without love. Sharon is not capable of understanding true love because she has never had it in her life. Don has never said he loves her. He has said he is committed to her. They have a relationship that will not last throughout the eternities because it was begun in sin and still resides there.
I am grateful for my Savior and for His willingness to go through pain and suffering for me. I would do anything I needed to for those people I love-even die for them or take their pain and suffering. I would take my parent's physical sufferings on me in a heartbeat if I could. I would stay the rest of my life alone and without companionship in order to have the Lord bless my children with mates who will love them as deeply as I love them. I cannot take upon me the sins of Don, but I can continue to pray that one day he remembers how he felt when the Spirit touched him and that the Lord will eventually lead him back to peace.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
4 letter words rule my life these days...
As I sit here at 8:30 in the evening, it is still light outside and a couple of ball games are still going on right next door. How come I am truly ready for bed. and feel so guilty about that desire! As I am sitting on the edge of guilt, I am struck by how 4 letter words are ruling my life these days...
Here are some examples:
CRCT- it starts next week and I think I will lose my mind before it is over with!!
MEET- I hear this word on a daily basis these days...meetings to discuss students, meetings to discuss lesson plans, meetings to discuss the above word CRCT!
WORK- Housework, homework for online class, homework for regular school,--Somedays, it's just really hard to be single, have a job and other responsibilities and no one to talk to or help share the burdens that can be almost overwhelming at times. When I manage to "get it all together" however, it WORKS like a well-oiled machine. :-)
FOOD-I am upset with myself because it seems like I hungry all the time these days and it is so depressing.
HOME-how I love to come home at the end of my day-no matter what kind of day it has been.
PETS-I love the companionship of my Lacey and Skye. They are actually almost becoming friends these days.
KIDS- My own natural born youngins and my 82 "adopted" ones for this year. I also enjoy weeks like this one when I have been visited by about 8 of my former students!
TIME- how it is flying by...sometimes that is good, but it is hard to keep up with it sometimes.
Speaking of which. it is time to conquer my guilt and tell ya'll- I'm gonna go to bed!
Here are some examples:
CRCT- it starts next week and I think I will lose my mind before it is over with!!
MEET- I hear this word on a daily basis these days...meetings to discuss students, meetings to discuss lesson plans, meetings to discuss the above word CRCT!
WORK- Housework, homework for online class, homework for regular school,--Somedays, it's just really hard to be single, have a job and other responsibilities and no one to talk to or help share the burdens that can be almost overwhelming at times. When I manage to "get it all together" however, it WORKS like a well-oiled machine. :-)
FOOD-I am upset with myself because it seems like I hungry all the time these days and it is so depressing.
HOME-how I love to come home at the end of my day-no matter what kind of day it has been.
PETS-I love the companionship of my Lacey and Skye. They are actually almost becoming friends these days.
KIDS- My own natural born youngins and my 82 "adopted" ones for this year. I also enjoy weeks like this one when I have been visited by about 8 of my former students!
TIME- how it is flying by...sometimes that is good, but it is hard to keep up with it sometimes.
Speaking of which. it is time to conquer my guilt and tell ya'll- I'm gonna go to bed!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Grateful for the small things
After several days of unending rain and thunderstorms, today the sun shined glorious and bright. That was exciting but the fact that we had an unexpected day off from school was really cool!! The rain has washed out several roads and the buses could not run their routes, soo.... Day Off ! Yippee! I know we will have to make it up, but the break comes at a super good time. We are so close to the time for the CRCT and the kids are getting really tired of retesting and reviewing and they are getting crabby. It is nice to have a break and refuel.
I am thankful for simple things like sunshine and free time.
I am thankful for simple things like sunshine and free time.
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