Saturday, April 11, 2009

Reflections on a pre-Easter day

Warning...read this at your own risk...there is some real honesty in the blog below...
This morning I woke up rather early. It wasn't because I wanted to. I just did. I have been consumed in the past week with thoughts about my life at this time last year. This was the day that Don and I had found the house in town we both were excited to move into. We moved in on Friday,the 18th. I took Don to the emergency room on Sunday, the 20th and then followed the ambulance over to Albany on the 21st. His surgery was done on the 23rd. My life changed drastically after that.
The thoughts that have consumed me recently have been ones of helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, heartbreak and confusion. I appear to be functioning well during the hours I am on my job, but long breaks with hours and hours by myself cause me to reflect. Don't get me wrong...I have not been totally alone. I have had visits from both the Sisters and the Elders. They are my ministering angels these days. I don't have visiting teachers or home teachers and haven't had in at least a year, so the missionaries help feel that need for companionship and priesthood.
I was thinking while I sat outside working on my online school stuff about the Savior and this time of His life. While I can never presume to say, "I know how He felt" , I think I can sense just a morsel of his feelings. He was betrayed by someone he loved. I loved Sharon and would have done anything to help support her in her role as a single mother. I just never knew how she would use that friendship as a way into my life with my beloved husband. Don is not totally blameless, but he was also very vulnerable physically. I have found throughout this year that when I don't feel well physically, it is easy for me to get depressed and feel worthless. Sharon took advantage of my trust in her and that resulted in her betrayal. When I confronted her, she shrugged her shoulders and said "Whatever."
My elder brother took his beloved disciples with Him to the Garden. While he suffered pain, grief and loneliness, these beloved friends of His slept. When I think about how much I love Don, I understand unconditional love. I know many people will say I am crazy to still love Don, but there is no way for me to describe the depth of feelings I have for him or the joy I felt as his wife. So, I cry in silent or suffer loneliness every night now. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I sob uncontrollably. Do I want anyone I love to feel as I do now? Never! Can I understand how much my Savior loved me to take on my pain and suffering? Yes? Can I understand how badly he wants sinners like my Don to find his way back to Him? That is also my heart's desire-for better or worse. I have now lost, in a moment's notice, two men I dearly loved. I have a different outlook on this mortal life as a result of the lessons I learned after Tom's death. I guess that is why I feel such sorrow knowing that Don has not learned those lessons and I cannot help him through the painful way back unless he calls on me. Realistically, I know the possibility is slim that that will every happen. Eternally, I live in hope that it will. if I give up hope for a better life with the one I love, what will I have left? There is no faith without hope, is there? I refuse to give up on my unconditional love I have for Don even if I am the only one who every acknowledges it. My Savior has not given up on me- why? Because He loves me unconditionally-in spite of my faults. Can I do less than He? If I give up in my love for Don, he will be in a world without love. Sharon is not capable of understanding true love because she has never had it in her life. Don has never said he loves her. He has said he is committed to her. They have a relationship that will not last throughout the eternities because it was begun in sin and still resides there.
I am grateful for my Savior and for His willingness to go through pain and suffering for me. I would do anything I needed to for those people I love-even die for them or take their pain and suffering. I would take my parent's physical sufferings on me in a heartbeat if I could. I would stay the rest of my life alone and without companionship in order to have the Lord bless my children with mates who will love them as deeply as I love them. I cannot take upon me the sins of Don, but I can continue to pray that one day he remembers how he felt when the Spirit touched him and that the Lord will eventually lead him back to peace.

3 comments:

Corey and Nikki Preston said...

Never forget that it is our faith that gives us hope, it is our hope that makes us look for the better days ahead, and it is that, that let us find joy, talents, and lessons in the hard times. This is what I learned in Relief Society today. I know that the Savior has not forsaken you nor has your family. One day with your faith and your hope you will find peace, love, and happiness. You are a strong woman and always are setting an amazing example to me! I love you !!!! Nikki

Unknown said...

Aunt Susie I love you so much!! I'm so grateful for the testimony you just bore unto my searching soul! You are just a good example to me, just like a mother is to a daughter and a lot of the time you were that for me. I wish that i could help you in your sufferings but i know that is something you have to deal with on your own, but you are a strong woman and the Lord knows you can handle it! I cant wait til I see you again so that I can hug your neck U mean so much to me!!

Nancy Seaman said...

You do have visiting teachers. Call Phyllis and ask her about some new ones if you haven't seen them. The RS pres is anxious to step it up in that area. In case you haven't heard yet, Julie Beck will be key speaker at Women's conference in Tifton May 9th. Sarah should try and come up, though 600 women are expected.