Another generation...

Catie has spent the afternoon and evening with me today. My goal for this afternnon was to complete Ally's cake for her reception. Catie was helping with this goal. As we were in the kitchen, I realized that Catie is the same age I was when I started cooking. She has spent alot of time in the kitchen with me this summer and is turning into a great little helper. She is very opinionated and will tell you "straight up" if she does or doesn't like something you have cooked. She is also eager to start cooking things by "her very self." We decided today that she can make Sarah's birthday cake this year. Catie is going to ride down to Orlando with me on the 2nd and will be able to deliver it to Sarah in person. She is very excited about "really cooking something important." I find it to be a great source of joy to spend time with her in the kitchen and to be able to pass on the skills Mom taught me, I taught Sarah and now am teaching Catie...There are many traditions that can unite a family and I think sharing Grandmomma's recipes and cooking secrets is certainly one of those. I cannot even measure how important the cooking skills Mom taught me have been in my life. (I helped put myself through ABAC by catering and spent almost 30 years working in the Food Service/catering field) I still love to read cookbooks just as much as I do a novel. One of the realities of life is that Momma has lost her ability to cook or create new recipes to share with all of us. My talent for cooking was nurtured by Mom in its early stages. Because it is no fun to cook for just one person (me) I am able to use this talent to help out my parents by cooking for them from time to time. I know that cooking helps me to get rid of stress... something about beating those eggs and whipping that cream... :-) I also love to share my cooking with the missionaries, my children, my students and my special friends, I guess it's my small way of "giving back" to those who bring me joy on an everyday basis.

I admit it...I'm tired...

I have not been sleeping well for past week or so...don't ask me why...I am following my same bedtime routine...just not sleeping soundly at all. This is not good... I guess maybe I have alot of stuff on my mind at the moment.
Considering that I really did not start my work for the day until after noon, I feel like I got alot done. I made several frozen meals-actually about 50 of them. They consisted of brocolli, cheese, rice and chicken casserole, pasta and beef casserole, pasta and chicken casserole. I also made about 140 mini banana muffin for breakfast during school. I put three of them in a snack bag and put them in the freezer so I can just grab them and go!
I was able to pull a suprise visit on Mom and Dad this afternoon and deliver some meals and some "goodies" to them. Although I knocked on the door, they did not hear me. Momma was sleeping in her chair and Daddy was on the phone in his bedroom...so I just waltzed in and waltzed out-totally undetected! It was lots of fun to do that. I guess I can have a new nickname "Sneaky Susan"

Parent's jobs...

Next topic...Where did your father go to work every day and what did he do? How did your mother spend her day? Did she have a job or do volunteer, etc. work outside the home?
Although my father was in the Air Force for my first 18 years of life, I cannot honestly say I knew exactly what he did on a daily basis. I know he worked as an administrator, teacher, and inspector and at one time, he even worked somewhere in a building that had no windows at all. I know he escorted some military prisoners a couple of times. I remember Mom just commented alot on how handsome he looked when he was in his uniform. :-) Mom was a real stay-at-home Mom for as long as I can remember. She would always fix us some sort of hot cereal for breakfast and make sure we eached kissed her as we left her every morning. ( I still do that... Go to school and still kiss my Mom when I am leaving her! ) I remember every Thursday for several years we helped her go through her Tupperware orders and bag them. She was a super Tupperware dealer and loved doing it. One of her "at-home" jobs that has had a lasting impression on me is her catering business. I can't count the nunber of times I have earned money personally by catering and using her super recipes. Thank goodness Mom taught us all to cook because "someday we might need to know how."

What' in a Name?

Today's topic: Who gave you your name and why? Did you have a family nickname? How did you get it? I was named for my grandmother-Daddy's mom. She was Louise-thus my middle name. I am not sure why I was named Susan. I have had many nicknames throughout my life. Some have been special to me, some have been less than flattering. I was called "Cattle" when I was in my tens. This was a name that some ignorant people thought was funny to call me. NOT! Grandmomma and Daddy have called me "Susie Q." Carol has called me Susie Whoosie for many, many years. I have been known as "Crazy Aunt Susie" by many of my nieces and nephews. However, no one has ever called me "Sue." It is not a name I like and I let people know that right away! One of my all time favorite names to be called, however, is "MoM." That is one I feel eternally blessed to be called. In spite of many ups and downs in my personal relationships, the blessing of being mother to Travis and Sarah has exceeded all my expectations.

Favorite Pastime...

I was looking at some things online today and saw some journal topic "prompts." One was about your favorite pastime as a child and did you prefer doing it alone or with someone else? I have always loved to read. In fact, I can't remember not loving it. I remember when I was about 9 or so, Mom forbade me from bringing home any more "Winnie-the-Pooh books from the school library. I think I read through all the small blue book series of biographes of famous people that our library had. Then it was the Nancy Drew-Hardy Boys-Louisa May Alcott binge. John Jakes and his North and South series and the Westward Ho books were also favorites. Remember, Nance and Carol, when we used to buy those for Mom, but would read them before we gave them to her because we could read faster than she did. Our lives were in three month chunks as we waited on baited breath for the lastest one. I loved reading the fairy tales in the big read bound books in the bookcase...The Snow Queen, Jack the Giant-Killer and Little Black Sambo.
In high school I got hooked on Frank G. Slaughter and his novels. I learned alot of the background of the well known Bible stories of Ruth, Joshua, Peter and Luke by reading his biblical novels. His medical suspense novels used to keep me on the edge of my seat. I remember being thrilled to look in the Jacksonville phone book and actually see his name listed as a physician! How I would have loved his autograph! I have always preferred to read alone. I don't like reading aloud and never have. I confess I didn't like to read aloud to my children and was truly grateful when they started to love reading at an early age too. Today, I eagerly await the next Patricia Cornwell, Anne Rule, John Grishom novels. I also like to read historical fiction and true crime novels. This past summer, from June 15th to August 4th, I read 2, 587, 423 words which translated into 487 AR points and $40 earned for the ESMS library. Why did I do that...simple....because I had the time and I could!

Almost over...

The holiday as we know it is almost in the bag for this year. It has been a quiet day with an opportunity for me to sleep late today and not feel guilty about it. I guess that is one advantage of having no children to wake up early for on Christmas morning. I must confess that I did not go to bed until the wee hours of the morning because I was reading a super good book. It did not seem like Christmas today, but then again, it has been truly hard to get into a festive mood this year anyhow.
I did enjoy a visit to Mom and Dad's this afternoon. Sometimes you just need to know that when you bare your soul with your parents, they still love you unconditionally. That is a very special blessing I have and I appreciate that more than I can say.
It is hard to believe that a full 5 days of my break has gone by so fast! Sloooowwwww dooowwwnnnnn ....let me enjoy it!!

Christmas Eve at my house...

I arrived back home this afternoon after spending yesterday with the kids in Orlando. They are both working tonight and tomorrow at the "Happiest Place on Earth!" . Although the visit was busy, it was great to see them both happy, healthy and employed!! I gave Lacey an extra special good bath tonight because I missed her while she was at Granddaddy's while I was gone.
READ THIS NEXT PART AT YOUR OWN RISK...I AM BEING HONEST AND SOME MAY NOT LIKE WHAT I WRITE....I realize that I could have been at the compound tonight, but I did not go for several reasons. First and foremost, I really am tired from the trip to Orlando. Also, I realized today that 5 days of my Christmas Break have gone and really haven't had a break yet. I have either been busy preparing food for Ally's reception, to take to the kids, or cleaning my house thoroughly for the first time in a month or so. My final reason will sound really stupid, but unless you have been in my shoes, don't assume you know how I feel...Some of my family will probably be offended by this reason, but I was assured when I started blogging that I could be honest. Last year, on this day, I was hurt by some actions of my family. I am still working through that hurt that is related specifically to the "family" gathering at Granddad's house. Because I choose not to offend any family members on their joyous evening, I stayed away... Do not get me wrong...I truly do love my family. I just have a hard time understanding their actions at time. I know that my family has a hard time understanding me at times, too and maybe that is the problem...

I'm Alive !! I'm Alive...

Today was the dreaded/much anticipated day before the Christmas holidays/final exam day...I am here to report that I have survived it in one piece...I must tell you about two incidents that happened yesterday with my students. I was sitting at my desk toward the end of 6th period yesterday and about half of my students were crowding around it. I told them that if they didn't step back, I was going to become claustrophobic. One of my darlings piped up and said...Wait for it...this is totally true..."Ms. Tucker, I didn't know you were afraid of Santa Claus. Also this past week one of them asked me if Viagra Falls was in Las Vegas! Needless to say, I so totally ignored that question!
I am posting this so late (early) because I tried to go to sleep about an hour ago and for the moment--it aint happening! So I am trying to make myself sleepy because heaven knows I am about a year behind on my "Beauty sleep!" Hope everyone is nicely tucked in bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. Of course, if you wake up with a headache...DON'T BLAME ME ...

The newly employed...

So this afternoon, I took the initiative and decided to see if I could put my latest plan in action. I got Lacey and went to the assisted living center (Maple Court) on Tift Avenue. I have always liked the looks of it from the outside...Anyway, I went in and asked to speak to the program director. I told her that I had a wonderful dog that just loved to be petted and loved and I thought she would make a great therapy dog. I told her about having Lacey in the recent Christmas parade and how well she did and how the little kids reacted to her. I was told that they had just been discussing earlier that day about having "Pet Therapy" for their residents, but was not sure which direction they wanted to go with it. When I told them that I had Lacey in the car, they let me bring her inside...Lacey worked her magic with not only the residents sitting in the lobby, but also the employees there...She will officially be a "member of the staff" when I get a copy of her shot record back to them tomorrow. I just felt bad that Lacey is such a wonderful dog and I was basically the only one who got to interact with her for any length of time. Also, it helps me in my quest to look outside myself to help meet the needs of others around me. So, I figure it will be a win-win situation...

All I want for Christmas...

I want peace... Peace in my soul and peace of mind for my children.
I want to feel the joy of looking forward to the future instead of dwelling in the past
I want to be able to ease the burdens of those people I love
I want to be able to have true and unconditional love from someone who is special to me.
I want to be able to have a deeper understanding of my place in this world
I want to develop a unshakeable faith in the goodness of people
I want to make a difference in the life of someone.
I want the aches and pains of my parents to be relieved from time to time
I want less heartache and more closure
I want to be wanted for myself...not just for what I can do for or give to someone

I want to know what the Lord truly wants me to do with the rest of my mortal trial....

Struggling...

Although I have kept myself busy with a purpose or task to accomplish everyday, since around Thanksgiving I have found myself struggling privately with depression. Although intellectually I can understand the reasons for my depression, but I cannot seem to shake it off. I am trying all sorts of things, but none seem to be working at the moment. Maybe tomorrow will be different.......

Feeling helpful, yet helpless...

I realized this morning as I was walking back to the outpatient clinic surgery room with Mom and Dad just how helpless I felt. I watched them walking arm in arm, with their halting steps, yet supporting each other as best they could...and I about how weak they both were physically, but yet how solid is their relationship with each other. Yes, I was able to help Mom undress and get ready for the day, but I cannot take either one of their afflictions away or even help make them better...
All I could do was be there if either one of them needed me for anything. What a blessing it must be for them to have unshakable assurance in each other's love-no matter what!

Surprise ! Surprise!

This morning I received a phone call from Bill Johnson. He was the committee chairman for coordinating getting the flags, etc that we used when the Wall came. He also happens to be the president of the Woodman of the World lodge here in Tifton. Their meetings are held the same place we have our family reunions. Anyhoo, he called this morning and invited me to the Lodge's Christmas party this evening. (I had spoken at one of their meetings during March) Since I had nothing better to do this evening, I went. It was weird walking into the building and not seeing any of my relatives there. The meal was catered by the Ole Time Country Buffet so not only was the meal free for me, it was good! After the meal, of course there was a visit from Santa Claus. Then they went into their "business" part of the meeting. I didn't want to be rude and just get up and walk out, so I just sat and looked as though I belonged there. Bill and this other lady (some kind of officer of the group) said now it was time to give presents to the "big kids" there at the meeting.
Bill looked around the room and then he opened this envelope and started reading something about the highest award that the lodge gives each year. It was the "Honor Award." He said it is an award given to a person in the community who is not a member of the Lodge, but who the lodge members decide has done something noteworthy in the community, but also upholds the values of the Lodge. He then called my name to come forward. I almost choked on my ice cube I was munching on and he had to call my name twice. He presented me with the Honor Award and everyone gave me a standing ovation! Needless to say, I was stunned! The plaque has my name engraved on it and the year 2008. It was truly an unexpected gift and I am deeply humbled by it.
Later on, they drew numbers for the door prizes. I got a small, green tinsel tree that has two dog figurines that sit on either side of it. The dogs even look like Lacey. They both have Santa hats on. My Christmas decorating is now done for this year!! Yeah!!
Oh, one more thing....I got my new bifocal contacts today. Other than give me a headache, (I guess from all the things I can now see that I had been missing before! ) I can feel nothing in my eye and that is the way they are suppossed to feel. I guess I thought they would have a line in the middle of them or something, but they are just weighted a little heavier on the bottom curve. Isn't it amazing what technology can do these days!

I survived Christmas Parade 2008 !!!

Today was the Christmas Parade for Tifton. It was the 4th time my History Club youngins and I have participated in this event. It followed a different route this year and was held later in the day. Catie was my valuable helper again this year. This is the third time she has helped me and she is getting pretty good about it. By the time we got back home after the parade, we had walked about 4 miles !!! Needless to say, no treadmill exercises tonight...I am proud of myself because last year I couldn't even walk half the route. I did have a crisis just before the parade however. I was sitting down on the curb with some of my students when I discovered that somehow I had lost my phone. I looked around and had a student call my phone and we heard it ring....from the drain hole we were sitting on top of!! We lifted the cover off it and looked down...sure enough....there was my poor little phone....laying there....just looking up at me. The battery was laying beside it and the back cover was about two feet away! I ended up walking down to where Chief Smith and a couple of his officers were standing. They. of course, laughed at my predictment and graciously came do my rescue. All the way back to the drainhole, he kept hollering out " Yep, She dropped her phone down the sewer!" (Boy, with friends like him....you know the rest...) One of the officers climbed down the hole and rescued my phone. Amazingly, when I put it all back together...IT WORKED!!
I took Lacey with me to the parade and she behaved so well! She loves to walk and loves to get hugs and she got plenty of both today. It was really neat to see the reaction of the little ones along the parade route. She would go over to them and then sit down and wait patiently for them to pet her. I just love her!
I just realized that I have never posted pics of her. Here are a couple of pics of her in her Christmas Parade outfit and other things she has been involved in.

Testing....testing...one...two...three...

Today was certainly the day for tests! I started out at Dr. Efaw's for my 6 months checkup. She was pleased with my BP (it is lower than it has been in years!) and also my weight loss. She gave me some hints as to how to push through the plateau I have reached with the weight loss, so I will keep you posted on how those work...
From there I ran over to Albany State to take the MAT (Miller's Analogy Test) which is a required test for entrance into the Graduate school at Valdosta State. It is comprised of 120 analogies in a 60 minute time frame. I had never taken it before and quite frankly had not studied for it except for a couple of short practice online tests I took last night. I need to have no lower than a score of 390 to be considered for the school. Most people average a score around 400. I got a 412 on it!! Yea me...!! I think the biggest help I had on the test was the prayer I uttered while sitting in front of that computer before I clicked the "Begin" button.
After completing that test, I bebopped it back over to Tifton to see Dr. Moorman about my eyes. I have found myself squinting more in the last couple of weeks than I have in a long time. So I felt I should get my peepers checked-especially before having to start reading all the pages in the required readings for the college courses in January. So.....long story short....I do not have any cataracts, glocoma or macular degeneration....but I do need to advance to the next stage of contact wearing----BIFOCAL CONTACTS!!! I should get my new "eyeballs" in about a week...I be "seeing" you then.............................

Thanksgiving with the kids

I drove down to Gainesville today to "do lunch" with my youngins. Officially, it was our Thanksgiving dinner together-although none of us had anything to eat even resembling a Thanksgiving Day meal and it was also a day early for Thanksgiving. However, that is how you do it in the "modern" world I live in. I actually enjoyed the experience very much. Although it was beautiful weather on the drive down...the drive back was long because of the fact it gets dark early these days... Lacey was my companion on the drive down and she could not have behaved better! She sat on the passenger side and just looked out the window or leaned her head against the head rest and looked at me. I did stop and get her some chicken nuggets for lunch and she seemed to enjoy them. On the way back, I got her a vanilla milkshake from McDonald's and she slurped that up in no time at all! She loves milk in all its forms-whipped cream, ice cream, milk and milkshakes...I guess that is why she is so pretty!
I love cell phones! I got to talk to all my siblings today on the drive back and that was neat...it also helped the time go by on the trip...Thanks for the companyCarol, Nance and Jimmy!
I also RSVPed the Mayor's office today. I received a letter yesterday inviting me to ride on the City Council float in the Christmas Parade next Saturday. He said they wanted to include me on the float cause of the work I did on the Moving Wall. I told him I appreciated the offer, but I was going to be walking with my History Club youngins. I can't believe this will be the 4th year we have done it...Maybe this year, people will know who we are when we pass by them! If any of you have nothing to do next Saturday...come join us...it's great exercise!!

The joys of a Friday in the middle of the week

Today was my last day of school till next Tuesday. (I have two doctor's appointments and a drive to Albany State to take an admission exam for my Specialist program. So much for a "day off" from school :-(. I am truly on a real BREAK and for that I am most grateful! I have some very simple plans for the Thanksgiving holiday...I am going to visit the kids tomorrow and we are going to "do lunch" in Gainesville before they have to go back to the happiest place on earth. Apparently about a gazillion people want to go there to see my youngins do their thang!! (I guess there MIGHT be some other reason people go to Orlando...)
I hope Carol and Joe had a good driving day today. They spent the night in the local "Mary Ought" aka my house instead of the other "Marriott" in town. I think it was the first time in a very long time that my big sis has spent the night at my house and I have rarely seen her in bed before 10:00!
It was a pleasure to be able to do something for my fiercely independent older sister!

and so it goes....

Currently I am sitting in my 5th period class and they are struggling over a test on the American Revolution. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have known some of this stuff so long I think I was born knowing it! It not only surprises me, but depresses me as to how little my students actually know about their county's history. It makes me grateful that Mom and Dad always allowed us to satisfy our curiousity about things by exposing us to places of history. I never realized how much that year in New Jersey was going to affect my life today...

life as a potential icecube!

Why is it that the weather always changes when you are not totally prepared for that change? The heater in my house is not working at the moment. I am waiting for the part to come in and was informed today it wouldn't be here until about the middle of December. Although I love cooler weather, I don't like to get dressed in the cold nor can I sit at a desk very long without becoming stiff. At the present time, I am snuggled up in my bed with a little space heater and as long as I don't venture into the rest of the house, I am quite comfy.
I have also just finished updating myself on the comings and goings of the rest of the family. I feel absolutely comatose compared to the active lives my siblings are leading these days! Other than being overwhelmed by paperwork, I am really enjoying my "down" time because I know that in a couple of weeks, my world will speed up again and will be in full steam ahead in January when I start back to school. I have pulled out of the school I was attempting earlier in October for several reasons. In January, Valdosta State has a new online degree program I will be participating in. It is called Education Specialist Degree in Exemplary Teaching. I am really excited about it because it is a new and totally different focus from any other Specialist degree program offered around here. It is also something that is practical for my everyday world in the classroom. I will be finished in 14 months which will mean that in 3 1/2 years I will have worked to increase my yearly salary by $10,000 and I think that is really cool! One lesson I learned after Tom's death was to never be in a position where I had to totally depend on someone else to provide me with my income. I think I am much better prepared financially to handle my latest life changing situation! Whew...one less worry is always nice!

The Ripple Effect

Today was a day when I realized again that the things we do in life have a ripple effect on people. While working on the Wall, I met many wonderful, special people. One of these guys was a veteran who served 3 tours in Vietnam. His name is Dan. He came yesterday and spoke to my students. Long story short...It was a beautiful experience. I was really proud of him because he has started on his journey of healing by wanting to talk to my students. My students were really supportive of him and asked wonderful questions that showed they were really eager to learn about his experiences.
Today, he called me to tell me how much he felt "changed" as a result of talking to my students. He said he has started to feel whole, worthy and proud of his service. He also said that while he was volunteering at the Wall, he talked to about 5 visitors and discovered that not only had he done business with them for years, he also discovered that they were Vietnam vets also. Like him, they had closed off that period of their life. They also discovered that they also had served during the same time and at the same base and they never knew it until the Wall visit!
Also, during the Walk with Heroes today, my kids talked almost constantly about how they never knew there was so much to learn about Vietnam. They were surprised about how interested they were in it! They were like detectives or bloodhounds when it came to searching out the specific gravesites. We were there about 3 hours because they didn't want to leave!

Odds and Ends of musings...

-I am really tickled about the weather these days. It is absolutely perfect :-)
-I am worried about Travis because he is going to have surgery this month and although it is just hernia surgery...it will be his first major surgery.
-I thought by this time I would be "back in the swing of things." after the chaos of the Wall visit. I must confess that I am not! I don't know if it is because of the time change or just because I am more mentally exhausted than I thought I would be, but I just can't seem to get energized after I get home in the afternoon. I hope this changes soon because I have so much I want to get done.
-I am looking forward to the Thanksgiving Break. I did not get to appreciate or participate in the Fall Break we had this past month because that was the weekend before the Wall visit. My Summer break was a series of huge emotional ups and downs...Spring Break was spent in the hospital in Albany and Christmas break of last year was spent in the hospital here in Tifton because of issues with Don. I realize that this will be the first official break I have had in a year that I have not been in some sort of emotional limbo.
-I am making sure that I am taking my time when it comes to making any major decisions about what direction I need to go in several aspects of my life. I want to be sure that I don't fill my life with just "things". I want to make sure that my activities outside my classroom fill my life with joy and is meaningful not just to me, but also helps me reach outside my comfort zone.
Look out !...I have no idea what is in store!!!

It took me a while, but here are just a few moments from The Wall visit....

It took me a while to get them in the right order, but enjoy the pics... comments are welcome..of course!

Slow down, World...let me catch up!

I have no idea where the last two weeks have gone or if anything else has happened in the word outside of the track at 8th Street. All of my days have run together...Now that the visit of the Wall is over and done with, I have learned several things:
1- I learned that delegation on a huge project such as bringing the Wall to Tifton is an essential thing. Once I got the hang of it, it wasn't hard to say" Okay...why don't (insert name) take care of (insert task or assignment)
2- I learned that although I have been back in Tifton since 1991, I truly feel that Tifton is my hometown now. I have met so many cool people while putting the Wall project together. I know that I would never have met them any other way because most people do not come to my classroom "on purpse."
3- I learned that there is no time limit on grieving or healing from the loss of a loved one. I watched miracles happen in people's lives because of their visit to The Wall or their involvement in bringing it here.
4- I learned that Tifton is full of who appear "ordinary" at first glance, but when they begin to talk of their service, jobs, experiences in the military, some as far back as WWII, they become extraordinary heroes in my eyes and I have come to love this segment of Tifton's society.
5-I have learned that it s a humbling experience to be the mouthpiece for a project that involves an entire community.
6-I have learned that-given a chance to become involved-middle school aged kids can step up to the plate and be more than they thought they could be. Many of my students matured right in front of my eyes while helping me during the 10 days of events before, during and after the Wall's visit.
7-I learned that sometimes you just need to do something because it is the "right" thing to do. Giving of yourself-your time, your energy and your talents-can seem draining during the "giving" proces, but oh, the blessings are so sweet and special that it becomes difficult to remember the sacrifices made.
8- I learned that I have a whole new set of friends. These friends are ones I made on my own. They are not all my friends just because of who I am related to...they are my friends because they like me for myself!
9-I learned to step outside my "comfort zone" and push myself to dream.
10-I learned just how much my Heavenly Father has a hand in the "everyday" things that just happen to connect, solve or transform situations that seem totally unrelated at first.
I have more to share about my Wall journey...so stay tuned...

Perseverance in spite of difficulties...

I learned again this weekend that there are still trials I need to go through before the chapter of my life with Don is at an end. I learned that our court date is also the same day as the Moving Wall will be escorted and put up. The time for the court hearing is at the same time as the escort. As the court date seems to be out of my control, I have decided several things.
First... even if I do appear at the courthouse, nothing will change the inevitable result. As Don said on Saturday (with no remorse) "that was the day he was given and frankly he wants to get "this" over with as soon as possible."
Second... I truly believe that the man I feel in love with and have spent the last six years with died on that operating table at Phoebe Putney in April. I do not recognize the person who is in Florida now.
Third...As I sat in church today, I looked around and realized that I was physically alone. However, I was comforted in the fact that I was where I was supposed to be at the time I was supposed to be. All the lessons and talks seemed to have something applicable to my situation at this time. I felt grateful that the Gospel was such an important, stable part of my life and has been for years.
Don seems to have given up on that part of his life and although I love him with all my heart, I also realize that I cannot control his salvation-only mine. I feel great sadness when I think of him these days. I can truly understand how the prophets of old felt when they told the people of the calamities to come if they continued to turn away from the Lord-and the people continued in their sins.
I am by no means a perfect human being. But this summer, through this trial, I have come to realize that I am not a bad person. I have done alot of things that I am proud of. My task now is to persevere through this trial, try to keep myself grounded in the good thins in my life such as my family, the Gospel and my job and to try to learn the lessons my Father in Heaven has chosen for me to learn.

I have a confusion...

This weekend I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING INVOLVING ANYTHING WITH SCHOOL! Oh, I had "stuff" I should have and could have done, but, you see....what happened was this....
I woke up Saturday morning about 11:00! When I woke up, I actually had a major headache and thought about staying in bed all day. But I have discovered these days if I spend too much time in bed, I can easily start thinking about things that depress me. So I forced myself to get up...
I took a shower and then something magical happened!! As I started to pick up odds and ends around the house, one thing led to another and I got more energized. By the time I went to bed, I realized I had turned into a DOMESTIC GODDESS! I made 28 individual meals of chicken/broccoli/rice casserole, stuffed pepper casserole, and chines casserole. I organized all my food in my pantry. I vacuumed and mopped my floors. (I even cleaned and washed the removable dust catcher in the vacuum cleaner.) I have no dirty laundry now. All my clothes are organized in either the closet or the dresser drawers. I even folded my garments and I rarely do that! I gave Lacey a bath in the kitchen sink this evening and she is nice and fluffy and clean smelling.
I had a visit from the Sisters this evening and was able to give them some fresh "goodies" for breakfast, lunch and dinner this next week.
I guess my reason for this blog is not to make me seem "Superwoman", but to let "the world" know that I have had a wonderful weekend, felt totally productive and energized and basically spent the entire weekend by myself. I realized that I can have happiness in my home-all by myself! What a difference a few months and a change in attitude can make. I think I am on my way to recovery from my latest heartache...and it feels wonderful!

just perfect...

Today was about as close to perfect as I can expect life at this time to be. I got to sleep late which always makes me feel decadent! I woke with a full day of doing whatever I wanted to do without any type of deadline or working around someone's schedule. I was able to mop my floors, wash my rugs, put up my dishes which I washed last weekend, doing my laundry for the week and organizing a couple of things I had been trying to get time to do. It was a beautiful day weather wise and I enjoyed being outside for a lot of the day. Lacey and I took a really long walk this evening. We went from our house to Central Ave behind the First Methodist church, then turned on 8th street and back to Ridge Ave. She is so easy to walk with because she never tugs on the leash and keeps pace with my gait. She also helps provide incentive for me to walk every night.
This evening I did my "beauty?" routine of shaving my legs and doing my toenails and fingernails. As I was shaving, I remember the first time us girls got to shave our legs. We used an electric razor and actually had so much hair between the three of us that we burned up the motor.
The one movie star I shared a birthday with died today. I was stunned when I heard that Paul Newman had died. I have seen just about every movie he ever made. He was also a great humanitarian and gave a lot of money to charity. That is so unusual to find in movie stars today.
I realized today that it has been exactly 4 months since my world was torn apart by discovering that Don and Sharon had been having an affair and were planning on leaving Tifton and living together. I still cannot believe it happened and I feel as though my ability to love and trust again will never, ever be the same. I don't like feeling this way...

Zooming by...

I can't believe how fast this week has gone by ! I was so tired by the time school was out that I came home and took a nap for about 2 hours. That was such an unexpected treat. I also don't have any outside obligations for this weekend. Call me crazy, but I am actually looking forward to just being at home and being a domestic goddess.
My classroom is becoming more like a storeroom at the moment. Not only do I have my regular "school" stuff there, I am storing stuff for The Wall. I have 9 helmets, 9 pairs of boots for the battlefield crosses for the field. Today I received 9 more boxes of flags. That brings the total of flags we have to put out on the road to 7000! I cannot wait to see them along side the road leading to where the Wall will be!
I also picked up the banners that are to be put up across 2nd Street and downtown next to Veteran's Park. They are absolutely stunning and I am really pleased with the design.
On a side note, I am looking forward to Travis and Sarah coming up for a couple of days while the Wall is here. It seems like forever since I have seen them and I really miss them. It is really nice when your children become adults and can be a sounding board or someone to hang out with.
Well....I can tell that my Prozac is not working and I am rambling on this blog so I think I will quit for today before I totally disintegrate mentally...

Some of the good things in life...

I am sitting on my bed and it is about 10:45 pm. Today was a FULL day. I taught school until 3:30, then had to work the concession stand (if we spent 4 million dollars on a stadium update, why is there no air conditioning in the concession stand?) until 6:00. Then I had my weekly Wall meeting at 6:30 which lasted till about 7:45. When I got home, the Sisters and Elders had just driven up for a visit. After they left, I had to go to Wal-Mart for a few necessities and now I am here...
Anywho...I found a treat at Wal-Mart--vine ripe cherry tomatoes. They called to me as I passed by and I-not wanting to be rude-answered their call. I scooped up a bundle of the juicy, sweet morsels and tenderly placed them in my basket. Since I had not eaten since lunch time, I could hardly wait to get home, put the groceries away, get into my comfy jammies and INDULGE. I am proud to report that they were just as good as I anticipated they would be! What a sweet and dare I say it-nutritious way to end the day as far as food is concerned.
Another good thing...When I got home this evening (for the final time) I walked Lacey down the street to the Suntrust Bank "grassy knoll" that is there by the ATM (across the street from the Post Office) I discovered that I can let her off her leash and she can run a good distance without getting into danger. Also there are not alot of cars going to the bank after 10:00 at night. Soooooo...When I let her off her leash, she rolled over on her back and shimmied down the knoll on her back by wiggling her buttocks back and forth. When she reached the bottom-she ran back up to the top and DID IT AGAIN! Then she came and sat beside me. It was truly a pleasant, quiet moment that was shared between me and the someone (or something) that loves me unconditionally. There was a light breeze blowing, the stars were twinkling and we snuggled and just enjoyed it. It was a perfect ending to a good, but busy day....
I truly am richly blessed by having a job I love, doing something for the community that gives me great pleasure, having the Gospel in my life, being uplifted by the visit by the missionaries and having a beautiful "bonding" moment between me, my dog and Mother Nature...

Read at your own risk...

Since I learned last night at my blogging class that my blog is really for me I have decided to present my total self and feelings rather than to be politically correct by pretending I have no personal life. If someone else wants to read my “real” feelings, they will be here for perusing by those brave enough to read my “ranting”. If someone is offended by what I write, I am truly sorry, but my feelings are my feelings-right or wrong.
Since the end of school I have been struggling to understand why my marriage to Don fell apart. I had no clue it was even in trouble. I will never forget the exact moment that I found out. It is etched in my mind in every detail. In my wildest nightmare, I never envisioned my sweetheart leaving me for someone who I felt truly close to-as close to me as a sister-I thought. I have since realized that the power of Satan is more powerful than I ever knew it could be.
When I think about the first week or so after Don left, I am mortified that I could have been fooled so easily by two people I loved. Their acting skills should have gained them an Academy Award! Up until a month or so ago, I felt deep in my heart that Don just needed time to realize that our situation was not as bad as the situation he is in now.
However, the Don I knew has apparently disappeared. I don’t understand who the person living in Florida is now. It is as though he has a split personality. I don’t understand how a person who loved the Church and has such a testimony of the truth can settle for less than what he could have or be. My only answer is that Satan knew he had the potential to do a lot of good with his priesthood and membership in the Church and so Satan used Don’s weaknesses to draw him away from me and the Church. Since his aborted heart surgery, I had already seen evidences of Don’s personality changing. I saw him sinking into a depression and he was more short- tempered than normal. Looking back now, perhaps it was because he was already into his relationship with Sharon. I realize that I can be difficult to deal with at times. However, there is nothing I was involved in that should have led to the destruction of my marriage.
I am so hurt that my efforts to increase our income and to clear my calendar of obligations to my job during the summer apparently destroyed my marriage. Don and I had talked about how excited we were because I would finally have a break from continuous school “stuff.” Don’s reasons for leaving me seem bogus when compared to the situation he is in now because those reasons are magnified in Sharon’s world. She teaching the same grade I do, she is now teaching the same subject I do, and she is working on a double major (why?) in graduate school. (You only get a pay raise for one master’s degree!) She has four highly dysfunctional children! WHY IS HE STILL THERE?????
There is no way I can even fight for my marriage. I know that “in the eternities” things will work out as they should. However, at the moment, I seem to be the only one who is hurting and heartbroken. Don and Sharon have become a couple without any problems. I just “handed” him over to her. I feel as though I was in a contest and didn’t even know it.
As busy as my days are these days and no matter how much I love my job, when I get home, it is so very hard to remain upbeat or happy without anyone to share my day with. Don’t get me wrong-I do love the peace and quiet of my home, but it is filled to the rafters with loneliness. Even if I get out and socialize, I still have to come home sometime to an empty house.
I am proud of my hard work on getting myself into shape physically and mentally, but who besides me really cares! I have no one to dress up for, to look good for or to make me feel special only to them. It seems I have spent my whole life looking for that. When I thought I had found the “special someone” , I never dreamed that it would not last.
I continue to pray for understanding and for help and guidance so I can avoid being destroyed by this greatest trial in my life. At least with Tom, I knew he died loving me with all his heart and I was able to deal with his loss because I had some sort of closure. I am not sure that this situation will ever have closure…

I learn something new everyday...

Tonight I went to a "How to Blog" class. It was taught by Carol. I must admit that she is quite creative in this area. I realized that although blogging is a great way to "keep a journal", it is also something that a person could spend several hours a day doing... Can I find a website that has a few extra hours that no one else is using---FOR FREE! ???
30 days from today the Moving Wall will have arrived and we will have finished with the Opening Ceremonies. It is hard for me to realize how quickly the time from the 2nd of Feb ( the day I received the phone call from the Vietnam Combat Veterans, Ltd.) until today has flown by...
Whew!!!
I found out tonight when I got home how much a part of my student's lives I am...one of my students called me to ask me a question about an upcoming project...(she had called me earlier with some more). This time she sounded upset about something. When I asked her, she told me her dog had just been run over and she was having trouble dealing with it. I told her that her priority at the moment was to do what she needed to with her "dog situation." When she hung up, she told me how much she loved me and said that she knew if she called me, I would make her feel better.
I truly believe that I have been blessed with a special group of students this year because the Good Lord knew that I had a hole in my heart because of the loss of my Sweetheart and i needed to have someone to love and who would love me unconditionally. My students this year are extremely compassionate and eager to learn. I absolutely love going into work everyday because of them...

Can it really be called a "day off" .....

Can it really be called a "day off" when you work as hard on that day off as you would have if you had been at work??? Today was one of those days....I took an "official" day off because I had a meeting with Mike Vollmer, the City Manager, Larry Riner, the assistant City Manager and Chief Smith, the police chief. We were meeting to start finalizing some of the "stuff" for the Wall visit. Well.......that visit resulted in my going to the school board to find out who was in charge of the maintenance department so they could help with the lighting of The Wall....that visit resulted in a call to the school board electrictian...which resulted in all of us meeting in the middle of the practice field...right where I was suppossed to be taking a day off from! However, I did get alot done and that was well worth the effort. I also went to the county clerk's office and signed another piece of paper in the divorce process that I didn't want to sign, but have no other option. I also went walking for about a mile and a half this evening. That really felt good. I have had so many late meetings recently that I have had to shorten the length of my walks. I can feel both a physical and a mental difference when I don't get to walk every day. One day at a time...one step at a time sure can change a person.

Can I have a few more hours in the next few days...

It is 9:00 in the evening and I have just gotten home from school. I had a meeting tonight to train my Wall volunteers how to read the book of names and how to do the rubbings. There are still a million things left to do, but my mind is getting tired and I am not sure what I am forgetting because I have never done this before! I know I have hit the big time now...Mrs. Eunice Mixon was at the meeting tonight!!! She is a legend here in Tifton and also at the Georgia State Capitol. In fact she showed me a list of some guys she is going to call tomorrow...Max Cleland, Johnny Issacson, Saxby Chambliss, Zell Miller, and she knows "the little girl who takes care of the Governor's scheduling" so she will just "ring" her up tomorrow. Ms. Eunice enthralled us all after the meeting with the history of how she came to make the commercial about the changes coming in February when all televisions will be going cable. She said that her "Albert, whose been gone for about two years and was "tighter than Jack's hat band" would love the fact that not only did she get paid $900 for the commercial, but she got flown to Memphis, picked up by a limo and treated her like she was a "real movie star!" I am meeting with the City manager and the Chief of Police to make some final arrangements for the Wall platform and security...I guess that is a sure sign that this is really getting close!

Priesthood blessings continue

This evening I realized once again how grateful I am for the Priesthood that my dad has. I am reaching the point with the preparation for the upcoming visit of The Moving Wall where I feel as though I am working two full time jobs-both of which I love. However, I find it difficult the past couple of days to get my second wind once I get home. So, I got in my car and went over to Mom and Dad's to ask Dad for a Father's blessing. He has given me some amazing blessing under the direction of my Heavenly Father. I always feel so much calmer and seem to be more receptive to guidance and direction after one of these blessings. I just want Dad to know how grateful I am that he is and has always been an example to me of what a patriarch of a family should be and how he continues to magnify his priesthood by using it to benefit the lives of others.

TGIF magnified!!!

You know how excited a person can get when they are looking forward to something. Well, that is how I felt about 3:30 this afternoon when the last bell rang. It has been such a long week and I really am looking forward to just some "me" time this weekend. Although I love my job and my students, sometimes it is nice to get home to the peace and quiet of a dog that doesn't bark and a cat that doesn't mew. 90 middle school youngins can sure talk alot-especially when it is a full moon and a Friday! I was thinking today about how much a life can change in 3 months time. At the beginning of the summer, I had a totally different life than I have now. My summer did not turn out at all like I had planned. However, because of a great deal of time spent on my knees asking for help from my Father in Heaven and a wonderful support system of family and friends, I feel stronger mentally and spiritually. One side effect of the trials and tribulations is that I lost weight because of not feeling hungry. I also had time to prepare some healthy meals. I had time to do alot of walking in the evenings. I absolutely love living in town and especially the location I am at. It is so close to the school, the neighborhood is quiet in the evenings and the roads are comfortable to walk on. I have managed to lose 50 pounds through lots of walking, watching my diet and staying busy. I feel healthier than I have in years. I guess it is true that to every horrible trial, there is a silver lining and unexpected blessings.

Finally.....

I should be in bed by now....but

I am finding it hard to get enough sleep these days. Once I get to sleep, I sleep well, but I can't seem to get home much before 8 or 9 0'clock. However, I do have a good reason...I have had speaking engagements/meetings about the upcoming Wall visit for 6 of the last 10 seek days! I think I can have some time to clean my house about the first weekend in November!
I think (?) I am grateful I have no one else to worry about when I come home...at least of the two legged kind. I am still managing to walk every night before bedtime. It helps to have my beautiful new addition to my household...Lacey, my golden retriever. She is absolutely a life saver and a great companion. She loves me unconditionally and only wants to give me one on one attention 24/7.
Well, my brain is telling me it is definitely bed time...more at a later time...

First attempt at this...

I actually have a few "free" minutes before I have to rush off to my next meeting, so I thought I'd jot don a few things that are no m mind..
I have chosen not to blog prior to this because I was dealing with issues that really brought my spirits down and I didn't want to inflict my "downer"moods on those people I love the most---my family. (Plus it is hard to type through tears!)
I feel as though I have reached a major milestone in that I can talk or think about my marital situation without crying 95% of the time. I know that my Father in Heaven has been a constant at my side during this trial and that He has heard my prayers and has enabled me to have the strength I so needed.
The time for the visit of The Moving Wall is getting closer and closer. I am in a state of controlled panic. I have so much to still do, yet there is so much that has been accomplished so far. I have met some truly special people directly as a result this project. I have had so many unique experiences that have come as a direct result of "heavenly intervention." This week alone, I have three speaking engagements. I have always felt comfortable in my classroom, but speaking intelligently in front of some of the elite citizens of Tifton can be really intimidating!! As much as I hate to get my picture taken, going on live TV is really a challenge! I think I am still recovering from the four and a half hours of straight sitting in a cheap plastic chair! However, I have learned that I will do whatever it takes and talk to whoever I need to in order to get the word out about the upcoming Wall visit. I am looking forward to standing back and watching the events unfold and people's reaction to their experience of visiting the Wall.
The Lord has blessed me with some truly great students this year. They seem interested and eager to learn and so (knock on wood) there does not seem to be any major discipline problems. The school day seems to go by so fast. I find it hard to believe that I sent home mid-quarters today!
I plan to start back to school on October 6th. I will be working on my 6 year Specialist degree online. I will be taking it through Nova Southeastern University in Ft. Lauderdale. I will be finished with it in December 2009. My degree will be a Specialists in Curriculum and Instruction.
Well, gotta go for now......